By Kimberly Hollister
“Healthy Boundaries are not walls. They are the gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your own garden”
Boundaries are an important part of self-care. When we haven’t developed a strong sense of self (our purpose, boundaries and values) and ways to communicate our feelings then we start to bend to other people’s needs. The term codependency originated in the recovery community to explain the enabling and maladaptive behaviors to help cope with the emotional pain of loved one’s addiction; however, the term codependency has spread beyond the world of recovery.
It is when in any type of relationship (romantic, friendship, work) there is an emotional fusion that occurs and the person’s sense of self starts to disappear in order to merge with another. When you can’t identify when your boundaries end and the others begin. When boundaries start becoming one in the relationship this is when the relationship becomes toxic for both people involved. Setting boundaries is not a selfish act but a self-care action.
The act of setting boundaries takes courage and a strong sense of self. In my experience the work around boundaries ties into the work around self-love. In any relationship you should be able to say “no” and this not change the foundation of the relationship. In codependent relationships one person fears by setting clear boundaries that they risk losing their loved one. If this is the case, the relationship is unhealthy for both parties.The work involves supporting clients in discovering their own power and it interlaces with the work around self-love. Developing the belief that you are worthy of a loving and supportive relationship.
Articles to read about ways to create boundaries:
“Four Ways to Set Boundaries” by Psychology Today
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/presence-mind/201508/4-ways-set-boundaries
“Seven Tips to Create Healthy Boundaries with Others” by Psychology Today
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201511/7-tips-create-healthy-boundaries-others
Recommended Books:
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
The Gifts of Imperfections by Brene Brown
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
